The God of my Weakness

“No one enjoys feeling weak, whether it is emotionally, spiritually or physically. There is something within the human spirit that wants to resist the thought of weakness. Many times this is nothing more than our human pride at work. Just as weakness carries a great potential for strength, pride carries an equally great potential for defeat.”

Feeling Weak

I don’t know when it happened, but at some point in my life I started to believe the lie, “well God must not like the Weak Carol“. The Carol that cries and hurts, the one who gossips, and lies, and complains, and down right sins. God doesn’t like that Carol because other people don’t like that Carol and Carol doesn’t even like that Carol.
I tried so hard to hide my flaws. I tried so hard to do better and push myself to appear strong that it slowly started to break me down. The stronger I tried to be the weaker I felt. The weaker I felt the further away from God I would drift. It was a vicious cycle. Right now, I am in the process of trying to pick up the pieces.

When the Weakness Explodes

In the last year or so I have made some huge mistakes. I made very huge mistakes. Ones that I am deeply sorry for. I tried to make amends for them, but I don’t know if things will ever be the same. At this point, all I have left is to pray for God to take control. I’ve already tried to fix it, but my meddling has only made it worse.

Maybe, I am being melodramatic or short-sighted, but it feels as if these mistakes may ruin everything I have been working for. Have you felt like that? Perhaps, it was an unplanned pregnancy, or your boss sent a secret auditor to your job and you completely bombed it and now you find yourself unemployed, or maybe you cheated on your partner, or lied to that one person who means the most to you, or you wanted to do the right thing and say the truth, but the truth only made things worse.

You may look at yourself in the mirror and think, “I don’t know how I got here, how did this escalate so fast, so big, so horribly?” Maybe you are in a relationship that you know has to end. It’s the right thing to do. You have to let it go, but now you feel as if you are in too deep. You are too invested or too much time has gone by. You want to do the right thing, but you are just not strong enough at the moment. Perhaps you think to yourself, “now God really isn’t going to hear my prayers. There is no way that he will listen to me, I am a complete and total fraud. I don’t even deserve his grace and favor.”

But… He Still Loves Me

The biggest lie that we can believe is that we can loose God’s grace. First, we didn’t do anything to earn it. We didn’t do anything to deserve it. It was given to us out of love.

I don’t deserve grace, I never did. I don’t deserve good things to happen to me, I don’t deserve riches, I don’t deserve good health, I don’t deserve stronger relationships, I don’t deserve respect, or prosperity or any good thing that comes my way… But that’s the gospel.

The gospel is the good news that you and I don’t deserve God’s love, but he still loves us. We are flawed and sinful, but he still loves us. We are rebellious, but he still loves us. We gossip, lie, cheat, steal, but he still loves us.

I have made so many mistakes in my life… It’s just outrageous at this point. Sometimes, I want to just throw in the towel, get my backpack and hitchhike to a small, remote town and sell knickknacks at some tiny convenience store meanwhile flipping through the pages of a fashion magazine.  Then, I have to snap back to reality and accept that this scenario is not God’s plan for me at the moment.

“BUT, you’ve messed up God’s plan!” the accusing voice screams from inside me. That is not God’s voice, that’s insecurity, shame, and sometimes dare I even say… pride. Pride says you are strong, you have to be perfect. Humility says, I am not strong, but God will see me through this… I am not perfect, but I will try my best to be a better person. I mess up, but God has control.

God’s love is so big, his grace is so abundant, his mercy is so endless that no amount of human error (ours or those made against us) will ever ruin his purpose in our lives.

It may take us a little longer to get there, but as long as we are humble enough to say, “I messed up. I really, really messed up. God please forgive me for my mistakes. Please forgive me for the people I’ve hurt and for causing pain on myself. I am so sorry for forgetting to talk to you. I am sorry because I know that I should have just left it in your hands and instead I freaked out and made a huge mess.”

I pray that if you are reading this right now and are feeling hopeless and weak, that grace interrupts your heart. We need grace to interrupt our heart. I need grace to interrupt my heart. May grace bring with it peace.

And just remember – this huge mistake will be a thing of the past tomorrow. Let’s just grow from it. This too shall pass. He continues to be our God even when we are weak. He doesn’t disown us for our weaknesses, we simply have to come to him and surrender it all at his feet.