Love cannot be measured by how long you wait, its about how well you understand why you are waiting.
– Unknown
Alright, so let me be 100% honest and transparent – I am 29 years old and single, really, really single, and it’s complicated. I have been in this state for give or take 9 years, but who’s counting?
All jokes aside, this was never how I planned my life. I always thought I would be married by 21, have my first child at 25, and by the age of 30 have three kids and close down the baby factory.
I have romanticized the idea of a relationship my whole life. I blame it on Disney movies, but any who… the rise of social media did not make it any easier.
When people first find out I am single, they usually say something along the lines of, “What? You’re lying right? How could that be possible? You’re smart, pretty, and nice!” Maybe they say this to make me feel better about being single, but sometimes it just adds to the confusion, because seriously… why am I still single?
I have always been rather prideful to admit it, but I am a hopeless romantic. I mean I love a great sappy love story.
And yet, it seems as if no matter how hard I pray or how long I’ve waited it’s just not time yet. People say things like, “It will get better with time.” I have experienced the death of a loved one. Time helped. I’ve experienced breakups. Time helped. I’ve had to let go of certain friendships. Time helped.
Waiting is the one thing that time doesn’t make any better. If anything the longer you wait, the harder it seems.
In all honesty, I have not always handled my singleness correctly. Here are the top 7 mistakes I have made during this time. I hope that by sharing this with the singles out there we 1) find comfort in knowing we aren’t the only ones, 2) can identify if we are making these mistakes and work on them, and 3) encourage someone to share how they’ve coped with singleness. For those in a relationship reading this I hope you can drop some wisdom on us!
Mistake #1: Doubt
Oh boy… this one is a big one for me.
I am even embarrassed to admit it, but it’s true. I doubt that it will ever happen sometimes. One year turned into two and then next thing you know it I am almost 30 and I could count the number of dates I have been on with one hand.
For me it’s a mixture of two things, I really don’t get asked out often. I don’t know the reason exactly, but I take it as I am currently “hidden”. You know like a pearl or a diamond in a cave. A deep, dark, remote cave.
The second reason is that I have not found someone that I am compatible with. The couple of times that I was asked out there we just did not click. Not that I mean to be outrageously picky or anything, but I have to be true myself, even if that means another lonely Friday Night.
Friendly reminder: “But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.” James 1:5-8
We need to have a little faith. Even if we never find the right one, our happiness and fulfillment is not hinged on a relationship status. We also need to have faith that God loves us enough to give us the things that will be blessings in our lives.
Mistake #2: Complaining
Meh… Guilty, guilty, guilty. I found myself complaining about my singleness A LOT! And you know what? It’s annoying.
Whether I enjoy this season or not it is not going to change anything. Mr. Right is not going to come knocking on my door the more I complain, so why make myself and my friends miserable with the same old tune?
So, I have decided no more complaining! Out the window all negative comments about my singleness AND I am not lying when I say that things have gotten better for me.
Mistake #3: Wrong Attitude
Waiting is not always fun, waiting and complaining even less fun, waiting with the wrong attitude… that’s just torture for all involved.
Often times, it’s not that we can’t wait… it’s that we won’t wait. We are upset with the waiting, we get angry with the waiting, we resent the waiting, and even HATE the waiting.
But, what if this waiting is just a blessing in disguise? What if this waiting is so that we can grow closer to God and grow as a strong, single, fearless, independent man or woman? I am just saying, we are waiting, so let’s make something out of it.
Mistake #4: Putting life on pause
Going out by yourself can be daunting, but it can also be quite invigorating. It’s a shame that we spend so many of our days and nights moping around because we don’t have a plus one.
I recently stepped outside of my comfort zone and just went out by myself. The first few times, I felt this sense of loneliness. Now, I actually enjoy it. Sometimes, I make new friends, or see old friends, or simply enjoy my own company.
Life does not have to start once Mr. Right (or Mrs. Right) comes along. Let’s just live our lives and hope we bump into each other.
Mistake #5 Feeling “not good enough”
It’s easy to start to wonder why no one wants to date or marry us. Sometimes I get ambushed by these pesky negative thoughts.
You start to think… am I not attractive enough? Am I not nice enough? Am I not outgoing enough? Friendly enough? Simply put – am I not enough?
These thoughts need to take a hike! First of all, there are plenty of people who lacked something in their lives and yet were called to marriage. So it’s not a matter of being or having enough, simply – God knows best.
Now, the truth is: you are enough to be loved. You and I are worthy of love so much so that God had to send His one and only Son to make the ultimate sacrifice so we can experience God’s love.
Mistake #6 Focusing on the wrong love story.
The whole premise of our existence (at least if you are of Christian Faith) is that we were created with a purpose to be loved and to love God.
When we focus less on that love story and focus only on our earth-bound love story we start to loose sight of the greater picture.
My greatest calling on earth is not that of a wife. It’s just one calling. I am also called to be a sister, a friend, a leader, an influencer, maybe one day a mother, and who knows what else this life will bring, but my greatest calling is not just to be a wife.
If only I could stop obsessing about my earthly love story long enough to see that the greatest love was already declared for me in the shape of cross with arms wide open, then maybe I could feel peace with this season and actually enjoy this season. Who could have thunk it?
Mistake #7 Not understanding why I am waiting
What are we really waiting for?
Are we waiting for a life long partner? Friendship? A good time?
I think if we are waiting for the things that give us instant gratification, like sex, then waiting can be a huge burden. Why? because to cross those lines it’s really easy.
But, if we understand that we are waiting for God’s best, then the weight of waiting starts to change. I see waiting for a husband like cardio. Personally, I really dislike cardio. Running is boring. Painful. Exhausting.
But, I need cardio for my overall health. That being said, I decided to join a dance class. The dance class is fun, I burn the calories, my heart gets it’s workout, and I don’t really feel the time. Why? Because I am doing something I enjoy.
There are alternatives to the way we are waiting. We can either wait with joy, hope, and anticipation or we can wait with angst, pain, and desperation. The root of it all is our attitude.
When we start to understand that we are waiting for God’s best, then we’ll realize that we SHOULD wait (like we SHOULD do cardio), but we may have to change the way we wait.
There are alternatives to the way we are waiting. We can either wait with joy, hope, and anticipation or we can wait with angst, pain, and desperation. The root of it all is our attitude.
Go out my love. Have some fun. Let your hair loose. Drink a piña colada (virgin if you don’t do alcohol). Sit by the shore side and realize that you are the real prize. God is not holding you back from a blessing, he’s too good to do that. He’s just working on you and them.
What are your thoughts? What do you struggle with? What have you done to help with the wait?
