but, I AM worth it.
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.Psalm 139:13-15 | ESV
For many years I sincerely struggled with my self-worth. I am going to be 100% vulnerable with you because I feel it is necessary to share our struggles to encourage others that are going through the same thing, but also to remind ourselves the truth of what it means to be a child of God.
As a child, I yearned for the love of a father. I looked longingly at my earthly father to give me an ounce of his affection. To tell me that he loved me. To hold me in his arms and show me that me that I was protected.
That was not my reality. He was an alcoholic and often times was violent and abusive. If you read my blog, you know the the story.
As a child I struggled to understand why my father could not love me. I began to internalize this doubt as a truth. I could not be loved.
This lie the enemy whispered in my ear became my truth. Oh, if I could turn back time, how I would tell my younger self that she was worthy to be loved. That she was a princess, the daughter of a great King, a gem, but most of all a force not to be reckoned with.
A Liars Tricks
The Bible warns us about the enemy and his lies, but we often forget to connect the dots between what is in the word of God and what is happening to us in our lives.
When the enemy whispers in our ear… “you aren’t loved, you aren’t worthy” and we begin to believe this lie, we start to behave accordingly.
The first thing it does is that it separates us from God. Why? Because the very premise of our relationship with our Heavenly Fathers lies in the belief that :
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned…John 3:16 – 18 | ESV
To believe that we are not worthy, is to doubt that we are loved, and to believe that we are not loved breaks down the very foundation upon which our relationship with God is built on.
That is why I believe the enemy intentionally and strategically attacks our relationship with our earthly fathers. That is why he deliberately tries to take fathers out of the picture through divorce or other means. Why many men are enticed to walk out on their families; why women are tricked into allowing their bitterness to create a wedge between fathers and their children; why children have such a difficult time forgiving their fathers. It is because a child’s first image of God is through their parents and what better way to tarnish the image of God than to tarnish the image of our earthy fathers.
How the Lie Works
When we believe a lie, we start act as if it is reality. If we believe we aren’t worthy, we start to act like we aren’t worthy, walk like we aren’t worthy, and allow others to treat us as if we aren’t worthy.
Here’s the key – we allow others to treat us as if we aren’t worthy. They don’t treat us this way because we are worthless, but rather we allow them them to treat us as if we are worthless. The sad thing is that it reinforces the lie – we say, “see, he/she doesn’t value me. Another person who doesn’t love me, value me, cherish me…”
We can’t seem to figure out why our relationships don’t work. Why people walk away from us. Why we can’t seem to find peace in relationships, platonic or romantic.
Worse, we can’t seem to figure out why always feel distant from God. We pray, we praise Him, we worship Him, we even see Him act on our behalf… but deep down inside we always feel distant.
So, How to Fix it?
It takes work, patience, and lots of faith.
God will work in your life in different ways and it does not look the same for everyone. My personal experience was that I had to first acknowledge the painful truth that deep down inside believed the lie. That no matter how many accomplishments I had, no matter how religious I was, or how loved I actually was… I just felt like I was not enough.
Though prayer is the number one weapon to fight against these lies, prayer has to be coupled with action. I took a step of faith and sought professional help because one of the side effects of this lie was depression.
I also had to take a step back from my religion. Now, that does not mean to stop attending church, praying, etc. What I mean is that I had to see what were the things I did out of routine, simply because I had done them religiously for so long, but had either lost their meaning or were no longer intentional.
Once I did this I realized that I had surrounded myself with Godly things, but I had not allowed him to fully embrace me. I was scared. I was scared that God too would hurt me or allow me to get hurt. I wanted to trust him, but I had a difficult time getting there.
God wants to have an intimate relationship with us. That is one thing I am certain of. If we earnestly pray for him to guide us closer to him, He will. It may not be easy because healing isn’t easy, but I can assure you… it is worth it and you my love are totally worth it.
2 thoughts on “I am NOT perfect”
So proud of you my dear sister. So well stated and definitely you spoke the truth. So many of us raised by single parents (usually mothers who struggle to make ends meet)- deep down we are afraid and believe the lies the devil tell us- that God himself, our heavenly father, will also let us down and reject us. We rebuke the devil and “we pull down every proud obstacle that is raised against the knowledge of God; we take every thought captive and make it obey Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:5 GNT. The truth is that God yearns for our love and time, he expect us to be humble enough to admit that we cannot function without him and to obey Him. When those negative thoughts cross our mind (they will), let’s continue quoting the bible like Jesus himself did. Let’s keep encouraging one another and loving one another like Jesus loves us. There’s always someone out there that is reading your blogs and they are thirsty for God’s word. I love you- keep striving/writing. God has your back❤️
Thank you so much Juliana. Your words are so beautiful as well. You are an amazing mentor and I can’t wait for us to reconnect soon. Support and encouragement are the most important and powerful things we can share with each other ❤️